I hate how it takes me getting back down on my knees to bargain for freedom before I realize how far I have let myself slip. Every time I offer up a bargaining chip, He throws it across the room. The stakes are too high here for any of that. There is nothing I could put on the table that He already doesn’t control. So what am I doing here? What do I bring to the table?
That is it.
That is everything.
As another chip gets thrown against the wall, He speaks softly, calmly, deeply, “There are no condition keeping you from who you are. You don’t need to bargain for a grace already offered”
The words hit me like a thousand pound boulder. Why do I think I need this thing, this approval, this affection before I can be that person I see in my dreams?
I can see the pain in His eyes. The kind of pain that comes with the deepest rejection. The pain that whispers “You are not enough.” It breaks my heart to know I caused that. Those words are not from my heart, but I can’t seem to get my actions to follow my soul. I can’t seem to wait for the promise. I can’t seem to stop causing us both so much unneeded pain.
Without anything to promise, without anything to offer, I weep. I weep for the disappointment I feel I have become. I weep for everything I was too afraid to be. I weep for the faith I lost.
This is it.
This is the bottom.
This is the place where the thoughts never to be spoken about creep in. This is the place your soul becomes vulnerable to the lies and fears waiting to take you into the darkness.
And its this place, on the edge of defeat, where leaders are born. Those people who refuse to allow the mistakes they’ve made decide who they will be. Those people who tell life to take a step back because its valleys will not win. It is here world changers are chosen. Those people who accept the pain, tragedy, and regret, self-inflicted or selflessly taken, and begin searching for ways to rise again. Those people who refuse to listen to the people, the places, the guilt that says “It is over.” It is here, in the reassessment of everything that makes a life worth living, that this truth reigns:
“You already are that person you want to be. You already are so loved. You already deserve the promise. Not all is lost. Stand up. Try again. Just be. One battle, one step, one thought at a time. You have never gone too far to be found. No promise you make will reclaim the love or the plans for your life. It is impossible to reclaim something you never lost. I have great plans for you, I always have. No matter how far you run, or how lost you may feel…..I will always be here holding your heart and all things beautiful.”
As I rise abounding with gratitude and conviction, I feel a familiar hand on my shoulder. A hand that reminds me day in, day out that there is someone on the throne bigger than all of this. That there is a love greater than all of this. That there is hope stronger than all of this. No more chips, no more shame, no more fear, just me and the valleys and peaks between where I am and everything He intended me to be.