Y’all are the answer to my questions of doubt

 

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I spend a lot of time wondering if everything I am fighting for really matters. Does it matter in the scheme of things if I send 7 kids to school in Kenya? Is this really going to change anything? Is it worth the awkwardness of asking my family and friends to believe in children 1000s of miles away? Is it naive to believe one child can change the future?

Is my belief in changing the narrative and exposing truth worth going back to school? It would definitely be easier to take the job and make money and do what has no risk, but would I ever be content playing small? It’s hard to listen to your heart when the loneliness that comes with chasing purpose instead of ease makes you want to lay it all down.

Is it worth my pride to expose this deep desire in all of us to love and be loved? Should I write that blog post or send that love letter if only one person reads it? Is the belief in a more loving world worth the vulnerability it takes to truly live that out?

There are a lot of questions that seek to paralyze me in a cycle of fear. There are a lot of questions that place seeds of discouragement and overwhelming pressure deep in my soul. There are days when I just want to give it all up and say ‘No thank you God, I am not your girl to set this world on fire.’

But the greatest thing this world has ever shown me is that in those days hope somehow shows up. Be it a person, a song, a book, a phone call, or a gift. Hope always shows up.

Hope doesn’t make the climb any easier; it just removes the clouds so you can once again see the peak. You can see the reason you started this climb. It reminds you that this mountain matters to you, and that is enough; no one else needs to be on this mountain but you. Hope doesn’t remove the fear of failure; of reaching that peak only to find the other side looking as barren as the one you are walking out of but hope gives you strength to push through it; to open that door to fear and keep walking.

And so I want to say thank you to all of you who have blessed my life with hope. Who have whispered into the darkness ‘you are the girl to set the world on fire and I am going to be standing behind you to add fuel to your fire when you see only sparks.’ Your kind words, your silent belief, your gifts, your ferocious fight alongside me are the answer to all these questions in my head. The fact that you showed up means more than I could ever explain. There is no greater feeling than knowing you are not alone. I need you all more than I ever allow myself to admit.

I also wanted to give a big thank you to the people who contributed to the school fees of Ravon, Derrick, Boni, Nasir, Saum, Agnus and John for this year. This year has been a big one, you all showed up to help invite Boni into our family when he found himself without a stable home. You guys continued to breathe hope into these kids lives and we were able to support Agnus through a hit-and-run accident and Derrick through a broken arm. We are completely paid off for the rest of this year and it is only April; you guys showed up. I can’t wait to share stories about everything they’ve learned this year. Your generous hearts are what keep me fighting; you mean more to these children and me than I could ever express.

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